Did you realize?

An average of 120,000 adoptions happen every year in the US, with less than one-tenth of one percent (0.1%) ever contested. (National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, “Disruption and Dissolution,” page 1)

Famous
Adoptions
in History:

Did you know
I was adopted?

Did you know
I adopted a child?

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Survivor's Quote: Ben saw my deep grief one day as I sat on the steps outside and wept. God softened both of our hearts that day and knit them together to pursue adoption. The following day, we were in meetings and Ben leaned over to me and said, “When these meetings are over, let’s turn in our adoption paperwork.” I just about fell out of my chair. The most special thing God did for us was to show us both that the road we had traveled wasn’t so much about us as it was about a baby that He was trying to get into our home. When we realized this, we never turned back. (Sherri)

Adoptive parents readily agree that adoption is an awe-inspiring unfolding of God’s plans. With adoption, God moves not just a couple to adopt a child, but whole groups of people to participate in the creation of a new family. In our adoption of Ryan,  five family units were orchestrated by God’s hand to weave Ryan into our lives. A teenage girl (#1) became pregnant by her boyfriend (#2), a Christian family (#3) took her into their home, the birth mother and father finally agreed to an adoption plan, my husband’s aunt and uncle (#4) heard about the birth mother’s plan, then they put us (#5) in touch with the birth mother, who chose us to raise her child.

God is the Mighty Worker of intricate designs. Details that none of us could even imagine are intertwined with precise timing. Even the disappointments of infertility have their place in the miracle of adoption. God uses everything—our hurts and closed doors, our joys and hopes, our dreams—and creates an opportunity to welcome a child into our lives. God uses even our infertility to bring about the good things He has for us.

Words and what they mean
Open adoption: An adoption in which birth parents and adoptive parents have met or exchanged information in some way. One/both birth parent(s) may select the couple who adopts the child. Both sets of parents may choose to have ongoing contact on some level (in person or just via letters, phone, email) as the child grows up. Though informal open adoptions have occurred for centuries (when grandparents or other family members adopted a family member’s baby/child), the concept of formal open adoptions between people who are otherwise strangers has only been around since the 1970s.

Semi-open (mediated) adoption: Non-specific information, pictures, letters, etc. are shared between birth parents and adoptive parents via an adoption agency before, during, and after the adoption. Last names, phone numbers, and addresses are generally kept confidential, but the relationship can continue for years as the parties exchange general updates about their lives and the child’s growth.

Closed adoption: Little or no information is shared between adoptive and birth parents. No direct contact is made, but communication may be funneled through an agency or third party. No effort is made to keep in touch after placement of the child.

Domestic adoption: An adoption placing a child born in the US with a family residing in the US.

International adoption: An adoption in which an American couple becomes parents to a child from another country. They may or may not need to travel to the country to get the child themselves. Adoption laws differ drastically by country and working with an experienced agency is advised.

Public adoption: Children who are in the public child-welfare system are placed with adoptive parents by government-operated agencies or by private agencies working with government agencies.

Private adoption: A private adoption agency places children with adoptive parents and may handle pre- and post-adoption counseling for all parties involved. The agency handles all legal documents and walks the couple through the court appearance(s).

Independent adoption: Children are placed with adoptive parents by the birth parents, a lawyer, clergy, friend, doctor, etc., without the involvement of a licensed facilitator.

Other topics covered in this chapter:

But adoption seems so risky
When you think of adoption, does your mind immediately fly to what you see on TV? Well, that can sure color your thinking! While writing this book, a messy adoption between birth parents in the US and adoptive parents in England was reversed. A courtroom drama portrayed two birth parents fighting each other viciously for custody of their baby before finally giving him up for adoption. It’s enough to scare anyone.

The media practically never pushes happy adoption stories. Why? Because it’s not news. It’s run-of-the-mill. (That should comfort you.) An average of 120,000 adoptions happen every year in the US, with less than one-tenth of one percent (0.1%) ever contested.(1) The exception to the rule is when an adoption has a disastrous flavor to it. And the more disastrous, the more the media pounces on it.

Will an adopted child feel like my child?
Yes, absolutely. It doesn’t take an umbilical connection to make a child your own. The connection is one that comes as naturally as loving a birth child. Couples who have adopted describe the moment of having the child placed in their arms in terms that rival any birth experience (well, minus the physical pain). 

What about genetic issues?
Some couples struggle with not having a biological connection to their child. For them, an intangible comfort exists in knowing their child shares their genetic codes. They have a strong desire to pass along the family heritage via birth. Your family tree may not have adopted children anywhere on it. Maybe you fear the child wouldn’t be accepted by your parents, your aunts or uncles, your grandparents. Only you can assess your extended family’s opinions on adoption, but the real issue is determining what’s right for you and your spouse.
 

What about birth parents?
Many couples fear birth parents are likely to come back to reclaim their child in domestic (US) adoptions, now that open adoptions make communication much more frequent with both sets of parents. That fear alone makes many couples choose international adoption, where adoptions rarely involve communication with birth parents. Adoptive couples crave a feeling of safety that no one can ever have any possible claim to their child. Thousands of adoptions occur all the time with absolutely no legal ripples. When an adoption is handled intelligently and by the book, there are no loopholes for birth parents who might change their minds and want their child back.

Adoption lawyer or adoption agency?
Obviously, adopting a child isn’t as easy as transferring the title of a car from one owner to the other. Both are legal transactions, but adoption is universally more complex. If you think it’s simply about finding a birth mother who wants to give you her child and then filing some paperwork in court to make it official, then you’re in for some legal surprises.

When couples definitely decide to adopt, they must choose whether to affiliate with an adoption agency who will handle their adoption throughout the entire process or hire an adoption lawyer to process legal paperwork once an adoptable child is located.

What do adopted children think about their birth parents and adopted parents?

Here are three very different perspectives from three adults who were adopted as babies. Paula, Ray, and Lane’s adoptions were all closed, which was the only option at the time.

Paula, the second child adopted by her parents (Ellen and Paul), wondered about her birth mother “for as long as I can remember….”

Ray came to his parents through the referral of a family physician who knew of an unplanned pregnancy in the next town. After adopting Ray, they later adopted a baby girl.  “My parents told me from the beginning that I was adopted,” Ray said. “They used to tell the story of me as a toddler saying to people, ‘I am special. I am adopted.’ When I was about 10, I asked my father what it meant to be adopted. He carefully explained it to me, and it didn’t seem to be a big deal to me….”

Lane grew up as the only child of an adoptive couple. “They were the best parents I could ever have hoped to have,” he said. “They were my real parents in every sense of the word. My adoption wasn’t something we talked about, so it wasn’t something I thought about very often. Sometime in college, it dawned on me in a conscious way that I was adopted. I think some of my first cousins still don’t know I was adopted….”

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