Call on the Word of God to lift you up during this time of self-devaluation. You are precious in God’s sight just as you are. Let His love permeate your brokenness as you read these verses.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalms 34:18). 

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalms 147:3). 

“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:9-10).

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:16-19).

“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word” (2 Thes. 2:16-17).

To read the whole chapter, purchase the book!  On sale today for $4.99!

Survivor Quote: Cry when you feel like crying, and please, please don’t feel ashamed. It’s not your fault. I never tried to keep my infertility a secret. I shared it with everyone and welcomed prayer. (Linda)

You’re not alone. Let it sink in. You are not alone. Almost every woman I talked to said she felt alone at some point in her infertility struggle. Even if she knew other women who struggled, infertility makes you feel that you’re the only person who has faced this variation of infertility. And, well, that’s a little bit true. Your infertility is unlike my infertility, and my infertility is unlike Angela’s, and hers is unlike yours. Infertility cuts us off from each other, but mostly, from the person we used to know as self and the dreams we grew up with.

But we can find strength in knowing about the journeys of other women who walk in the Valley of Infertility. Read these pages and crawl inside the minds of other infertile women. You’ll see that you’re not alone in the emotional battle that goes hand in hand with the physical one.
 

If you’re a man who is in an infertility battle with your wife, then think of this chapter as her way of saying, “Here’s what I can’t always put into words.” The end of the chapter gives some ideas for how a husband can listen and respond to his wife.

A woman’s dreams (or why infertility gets us down in the first place)  In today’s society, where women have almost limitless opportunities for education and career, do women still long for that age-old dream of being a happy wife and mom? You better believe it. Today’s woman wants it all—education, career, marriage, and motherhood.

The young women who struggle with infertility in our culture have grown up with something other than the Ozzie and Harriet model for a home life. We know women don’t always get married right after high school, pop out a handful of babies, and settle into the role of homemaker, room mother, and car-pooler. Women have many additional roles to choose from—and career roles aren’t limited to teacher, nurse, or secretary anymore. We can point to female astronauts who have children, to senators and entrepreneurs who have both family and career. We know female lawyers who’ve started a family, then chosen to stay home full-time. We know of marriages where both partners work in medicine. We see women serving in ministry, in the military, women in public office—women in every imaginable field.

And yet for most women, alongside the dream to spend a little time or a long time in a rewarding career, there’s the enduring desire to be a mother. The fires that liberated women’s educational and employment options didn’t singe our desires to hold our babies close to our hearts and whisper lullabies in their ears until they fall asleep. The desire to be a mom still runs strong and deep.

I grew up with a mental schedule of how my life would progress: Get an education, work for a while, and then stay home with children. Unconsciously, part of my dream was the expectation that I’d be in control of where, when, and how I became a mother. (My journal)

So when that dream eludes our grasp, when we find that we’re infertile, we’re more than a little frustrated and disappointed. We’re downright shocked! We’ve been raised to believe we can set goals and reach them. We can get an education or job training and achieve a career goal. We can control whom we marry. We can control our destiny by our commitment to hard work and our dedication to the task.

How could this happen to me? I’ve played by the rules. I’ve gotten my education. I’ve worked and matured. I’m ready now for a family. We’re ready to be parents. Why is this being denied to us? (My journal)

Infertility, however, doesn’t play by the same rule book we use. Infertility doesn’t even have a rule book. Infertility is, for most of us, the most formidable opponent we’ve ever encountered. It doesn’t respond to logic, rational planning, strategic thinking, or investigative research. Two women can have similar infertility problems and be treated with identical protocols. One will get pregnant and the other won’t. Infertility is a tough egg (pardon the pun).

Other topics covered in this chapter:

So we’re a little naïve
American women are especially likely to think pregnancy and family planning will come together easily and within a predictable time frame. Born in the mid- to latter part of the 20^th century, we rarely consider the family model that existed for generations—when women bore numerous children (because no birth control existed other than abstinence) and women lost one or more children with regularity (due to childhood diseases and less sophisticated medical care overall). Yet that model isn’t so far removed from us… 

What are women feeling?
Disappointment, frustration, confusion, anger, disbelief, fear—the darkest gamut of human emotions wash over a woman. Early on, Ann and Wallace weren’t too concerned that they weren’t getting pregnant either. “But when the testing started and we flunked every test, it got very real very fast, and we were immediately faced with the words, ‘There’s a good chance you will not have children.’” Those words shatter the fragile dreams a woman has for motherhood. Most of us can remember the day we heard words like that….

That monthly crushing blow
Infertility is frequently called an emotional roller coaster. Every month, a woman has another chance to escape her infertility and soar with joy—and another chance to plummet to the depths of despair….

Unprepared for battle
When two people marry and neither has been married before, you can ask them what they know about marriage, and they’ll tell you. But none of it comes from personal experience, only observation. Likewise, when a woman learns she’s infertile, she’s not armed with the knowledge that could benefit her most….

What women think of their bodies
We come to adulthood expecting our bodies to do what we want, when we want, but when it doesn’t work that way, we can feel short-changed, tricked, betrayed by the very body we inhabit….

And then we beat ourselves up
When the infertility problem lies with the woman’s reproductive system, she often feels she’s depriving her husband of a family. And though her husband is quick to refute her opinion, she still harbors guilt that she’s unable to provide him with children. Some women, in fits of self-deprecating anger, even encourage their husbands to find a new wife who can give them children. Linda felt she “was cheating my husband out of a family….”

Tips for husbands who love their wives
Husbands always say the feel helpless to know how to help their wives during the infertility struggle.  Well, here are some ideas any husband can adopt as his own.
1. Resist the attitude of "Honey, let's tackle this problem and get it solved quickly."  That mentality doesn't work with infertility.  Infertility requires being a detective in a pitch dark warehouse trying to fin a hidden light switch with one short match...

index | next chapter