- Cindy 

Q:
How much
do you spend
on infertility
treatments?

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Survivor's Quote: We’ve drawn the line and decided not to do any more fertility treatments since we just discovered I have a disorder that could make another pregnancy a very high risk for both me and the baby. After two miscarriages and one birth, we now see that our little boy is even more of a miracle. (Celeste and Mike)

When I grasped my high school diploma and flipped my tassel from one side to the other, I symbolically and literally put one role behind me forever and took on the next role in life. No longer a high school senior, I was headed toward being a college freshman. There was no in-between-ness, no fluctuation between being a high school student by day and a college student by night. The boundary between high school and college was precisely set at the graduation ceremony.

However, the Valley of Infertility should be called the Land of Fuzzy Boundaries. One morning I didn’t just wake up and realize I was no longer fertile. Infertility was a truth that dawned slowly as time passed and pregnancy remained elusive. Being infertile was a role I gradually took on, one I began to relate to in stages.

Though infertility is a condition that couples acknowledge progressively, you may wake up one morning, remember you’ve been trudging along in the Valley of Infertility, and realize your internal compass is all out of whack. That early morning stroke of perspective will cause you to think back to the person you used to be—emotionally stable, financially prepared, in control—and begin to question where you are now and, more importantly, who you are. Your rationale and logic no longer are strong anchors holding you steady in the gale force winds of confusion. Your decision-making abilities are shattered in the complexity of emotions that run rampant. Somewhere along the way, you crossed some barriers you didn’t even know were there.

That’s why I’m a firm believer in setting some boundaries for yourself before you wade too deeply into the valley. If you’re on the front end of your infertility experiences, you’re in a prime position to assess where you want to lay down the boundaries now before things get fuzzy and perplexing in the midst of treatments. But if you’ve already been in the valley for a while, you can still look over the land you’ve covered and determine where to set the boundaries from this point on. It’s never too late to reclaim some measure of control over your actions and determine your level of participation in the infertility problem-solving process.
 

Other topics covered in this chapter:

Emotional boundaries
The first invisible boundaries you’ll cross will be the emotional ones. Even before your first diagnostic test, you’ve already had months, maybe years, of trying to get pregnant on your own. You studied the calendar and really tried to hit the exact day of ovulation. Maybe you tried the temperature chart approach after reading a book about it. Maybe you even adjusted your diet, lost weight, took vitamins or herbal supplements, or tried a homeopathic approach to curing infertility. But nothing worked, and you had no choice but to seek out a fertility specialist.

Time boundaries
Instead of drawing boundaries based on emotional issues, you can set a limit on how long you’ll try fertility treatments before moving on. The passage of time is one way we measure our lives. We celebrate anniversaries, birthdays, and milestones. But keeping tabs on how long you’ve been battling infertility is one of those dismal mile-markers. Most of all, you wonder how long it will be before you reach your destination of parenthood.

Financial boundaries
Even though money is a five-letter word, in the infertility battle it can carry all the bad vibes of a four-letter word. Money can be one of the most frustrating aspects of battling infertility because beating it can require a lot of that green paper stuff.

Many couples’ quest for a biological child erases their entire savings account, then they go on to borrow money from relatives or institutions. Others plunk it all down for adoption fees. Either way, a boundary line has been crossed. How do you find balance in appropriating money for infertility measures? How do you set your financial boundaries so that you have a peace about what you spend and where you draw the line? What are your feelings about bringing a child into a financially troubled family?

Setting boundaries on your bank account
Let’s get right to the central issue: Are you bringing this financial situation to God regularly? You probably ask God daily to give you a baby, but have you sought Him regarding the money you’re spending (or considering spending) on infertility treatments?

It’s a stewardship issue when you get down to the nitty gritty. God has entrusted you with several abilities: the ability to love and parent a child and the ability to make money to assist you in becoming a parent. The question to answer is: Does God want you to spend your very last dime (plus some borrowed ones) to embrace your parental abilities? How many dimes does He want you to spend?

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